We are two weeks into this deployment.
I didn't think we were ever going to get through the first week but we did. The 2nd week has flown by but I don't feel like we have hit our stride yet. Two weeks is a little soon for things to develop into a normal flow but I'm trying.
I don't know what it is. Something just feels... Off. Maybe it's just the fact that we didn't have time to really prepare for this one. Generally you have a few months to prepare, to get in the mindset that, hey, he's leaving and I'm going to have to hold down the home front. Again.
I was given a few days. And maybe that's where my problem is. I still feel like he's going to walk in the door at the end of the day. I have never been like that and by the end of the day, it gets to be pretty depressing.
But we're surviving.
The twins are slowly adjusting, if that's even the right word. Jaxon is having major separation anxiety. After about day 2 of daddy being gone, he pretty much just lost his shit. He's never been like that before and it's totally throwing me for a loop.
Tonight I taught them how to blow kisses. They have always been able to "blow" but I taught them how to blow a kiss. Does that make sense? haha I told them to blow kisses to daddy who is far away in Afghanistan.
I never mentioned to them that daddy was far away until tonight and I never mentioned that it's going to be a long time before they see daddy again, I always just said daddy was at work. Maybe I'm underestimating my children. They are probably a lot smarter than I give them credit for. They had fun blowing their kisses to daddy. First night since Jaxon lost his shit that he didn't throw a big, massive tantrum that, if you were driving by, would think that someone was trying to kill him.
There was a tantrum but nothing near what it has been for the past almost two weeks. He doesn't want to kiss me goodnight. He says he does, I go to give him a kiss and he tells me no. It pisses him off.
I'm trying to keep us busy which explains the lacking of posts. If we stay at home all day, my kids become these whiney little boogers that just keep picking on each other and it upsets the other and it's a constant battle. When we're home, they are usually doing this fake whining thing more than they are happy and it takes a toll on me and I get upset because I can't make them happy. I know what they want and I just can't give it to them right now.
Seeing Mat on webcam helps when he's physically on webcam. Jaxon lights up when he hears the computer ring and God forbid it's someone else calling me on Skype. But, in that moment, they are happy. WE are happy. My family is as complete as it can be for that half hour. Then daddy has to go and life goes on.
A week ago, a friend of mine and I were talking. She's a friend of mine from Germany and our husbands are now deployed together. We were talking about how we can already tell that this deployment is going to be a lot harder than the last one. This is her second, my fourth, and to come to this realization so early scares me slightly.
Like I said, I am trying so hard to make this as easy as I can on these kids by keeping them as busy as possible. I don't want this deployment to be known as the one that I spent 9 months completely depressed, laying in my bed every night racking my brain on what I can do the next day to make this easier on them.
Because let's face it. If it's easier on them, it's easier on me. And I want things to be as easy as possible for me. Yea, it's selfish of me but if I'm upset, frustrated, depressed, whatever, then my emotions and actions directly affect them.
It's a vicious cycle.
What a truth bomb of a post, huh?
My plan is that 9 months from now, I can sit back, read this post and think to myself, "You crazy woman. You had it together the whole time, you have no idea what you're talking about."
With that being said, I'm going to hit publish on this post before I chicken out.